Of Sky Hags, Road Dogs, and One Offs
Murphy rules the road. You know that guy from the firm Murphy's Law. Usually the best way to fight him is not to which explains why I show up for flights 2 hours in advance. But sometimes that just isn't enough. One evening, while waiting for my flight to a "one off" show the usual announcement came that my flight would be delayed an hour or so. At that point I was still having a fine country day so no problem. A few minutes later the voice in the sky, (you remember, Murphy) said it would now be three hours or more due to problems in Chicago. Everyone started panicking and jumping ship. Some poor people tried to get where they were going by transferring to a flight through Houston. Later I heard that their trip came to a horrible end… still on the tarmac10 hours later, running out of food and water, toilets overflowing, killing everyone aboard.
Me ….I just switched airlines. I was carrying a lot of the band's audio equipment including ears, racks, and mics (expensive stuff). And of course I am so frigin important they couldn't do the show without me. So my decision was either to risk not making it to the gig by waiting to fly later that night, or switch flights where I was more likely to get there at the risk of losing my luggage. The troll at the ticket counter said he could transfer me to another airline and although he doubted they would take me there was a flight in 20 minutes from another concourse. I looked him in the eye and said I can't risk not being able to do my show if my luggage doesn't make the change. The travel troll then told me not to worry and got on his radio to the luggage handlers. When I asked how to get to the other concourse he said, "Run Bryan Run." One should know that any time you switch airlines you are set for an automatic check at security. After running five miles, being searched at security, taking a train, and a little red wagon I arrived at the gate for my new flight, out of breath and sweating, though on time
Flight attendants and road crews actually have a lot in common. On the whole, they are patient people who have to put up with an above average amount of shit on a daily basis while keeping a smile. I was told that if you survive ten years or more as a flight attendant you are referred to as a sky hag. This is actually a badge of honor.
Murphy saw to it that after all I went through pre boarding I was seated next to a woman that could also be referred to as a sky hag though she was nothing like the many patient flight attendants one usually meets. Mrs. Hate could not stop carrying on about what an idiot everyone else around her was or how much she wanted everyone to shut up. My only consolation was the first flight was short. When we arrived in Detroit to change plains I hurried away from Mrs. Hate stopping in a restaurant for some Mexican food. After 30 minutes in the restaurant I realized my day wasn't getting any better as my waitress had forgotten my meal. When she finally brought it to me, of course, it was cold. On my next flight I sat in the wrong seat and when asked to move up one row the woman sitting in front of me leapt up and yelled at the flight attendant to move her to 1st class. I said, "Damn Baby! There aren't any toads in my pants and I took the fake vomit out of my hair." She sat back down next to me and never so much as looked at me while she pouted until they found room for her up front.
A few more hours of torture and I finally arrived in the resort town of Traverse City, Michigan. Then Instant Karma threw me a bone as you should have seen the look on the pouting lady's face when I was met by a limo driver at the gate asking if I was Bryan fuckin' A of such and such a band.
The next day was grey and snowy and I felt as cold as the blue green ice floating on the lake, beating myself up vigorously, feeling that by making the wrong decision I had some how let my band down. Again our driver came to my rescue. There is a class of limo drivers that I admire very much and our driver Michael was among them. These are people who are always dapper and have the elegance and grace to haul around world leaders and big stars without ever missing a beat or letting that fragile fantasy fall to the ground. Michael made several trips to the airport for me that day and finally on the last run he came to me in the middle of the show and announced that my luggage had been found! In the end, we had a great show. Everyone had a good time, everyone took their socks off, and nobody got arrested…which really surprised me.
The lesson of that day is don't ever give up and don't check through anything you can't afford to lose. Simple words to live by from the road ministry.
Welcome to Hotel Hell
We are pleased that you have chosen Hotel Hell (formerly the Castlegate, formerly the Radisson, formerly Madam Gigi's Pleasure Palace), for your stay in Atlanta.
Please note our special touches, all designed to make your stay at Hotel Hell an experience you will never forget.
DINING
WELCOME...to our exquisitely appointed main dining room, where we have carefully arranged no interruptions in your dining pleasure by the appearance of any competent wait staff whatsoever. Those of you watching your weight will have no problem adhering to your diet here, unless of course you give in to temptation and head for the Waffle House conveniently located across a twelve lane super highway.
ACCOMMODATIONS
As you step into your room note the added steps we have taken to ensure that you feel right at home (assuming your home is a poorly kept cold water flat in Teaneck, New Jersey). No expense has been spared to meet the needs of our patrons. Some of the many special features are:
1. Complimentary "sub zero hydrotherapy" cold showers for all you lonely guys traveling without your spouses.
2. Our exclusive privacy phone system which allows your visit to be uninterrupted by people who want/need to speak to you. As an added bonus to the system, we have also eliminated calling out from the room to encourage you to enjoy the ambience without the annoyance of conversation with friends, family, or business associates.
3. For the animal lover a new addition has been made!! For those of you traveling with tropical reptiles or large arachnids, we have added the "Hell Room," which features temperatures hovering in the 90s and humidity in excess of 97 percent. For all of you who favor less exotic creatures such as Alaskan Malamutes or Polar Bear Cubs, we also offer the new "Ice House Room," (also known as the J. T. Suite) which features temperatures which rival the South Pole during the Ice Age.
4. Another marvelous innovation pioneered by Hotel Hell is the addition of the fire drill wake-up system, which considerately sounds your wake-up call approximately every 15 minutes, ensuring that you won't oversleep.
Night Life at Hotel Hell
It's a different world at night at the magnificent Hotel Hell. As you enter the spacious and tastefully appointed lounge you can watch the cobwebs being spun while you wait for the appearance of a bartender. What other hotel can offer this kind of entertainment? None we can think of outside a third world directory.
Directions:
Take I-85 South to Mephisto Boulevard, turn right onto Inferno Drive, and follow the Colt 45 Malt Liquor bottles to Hotel Hell...an experience you'll never forget......................
Although it is true that much has changed, touring with a band hasn't got any easier since AC DC said those immortal words "Hotel, Motel make you wanna cry, make you do the hard sell, know the reason why".
Airports are a lot harder to get through since 9-11. On the other hand most airports are now also shopping malls where a person could even do all their Christmas shopping if your flight is delayed long enough.
Some hotels are becoming little universes unto themselves where one must book passage on a star ship or commandeer a golf cart to get from the lobby to your room in a days time.
On a recent trip to Nashville I experienced the Opryland Gaylord Hotel. This is not a resort for people seeking an alternate lifestyle but indeed an alternate universe with an amazing assortment of geographical scenarios and climates all under one roof. We all had lunch on an outcropping off rock by a waterfall and retired to average size rooms to wait for the gig.
On our way to the show which was in the hotel, half the band got lost or fell over from exhaustion hiking down endless hallways or fallowing along the indoor river. I knew we were getting close when we spied a band playing on an island in the middle of what looked like a bayou. The event room where the band played was as long as a football field and it required huge video screens and audio delay towers for those at the back to see and hear. All I can say is somebody has some money.
Even more amazing are the wonders of the Anaheim Hilton. A hotel so big, with a numbering system so hard to understand that a couple guys I saw had pissed their pants trying to find their rooms. Late that night after the show some ware between the lobby bar and their rooms two of our techs went insane and where found cursing incoherently in the hall and kicking their shit. An hour and a half of searching for their rooms while carrying heavy bags had driven them insane. Not to mention the ice in everyone's drinks melted before they found the party in RM 4551. Me …well I made money all night as a bush guide, leading people back to their rooms the lobby or a party in a specific room they were trying to find for a small fee.
